Moms and God

I have a 26 yr old son who is also bipolar. His symptoms showed up when he was a teenager, but I was unaware of this possible diagnosis. He was the most easy going kid always full of smiles, always the peacemaker, could always make you laugh and was full of hopes and dreams. He was going to conquer the world.

"Ace" had great friends, was in ROTC, was in the student body presidency, and was accepted in a magnet program in aeronautics. One of his dreams was to become a pilot in the Air Force and to eventually become a smoke jumper because he always wanted to be a firefighter.

During my pregnancy with LadyJ, Ace worked two jobs and always had money. His friends found they could always borrow money from him. We used to laugh, saying he could always start a business as a loan shark. He bought an older truck and started to restore it. In addition to all this, Ace was quite an accomplished drummer. Slowly changes started to occur in Ace.

There were periods where he had boundless energy and would clean the house, organize his room, buy dinner for everyone, fix the car, work on his truck, and friends would come and go mostly to play music with him.

Then there were the periods where he would hardly come out of his room and the clutter in there was one to two feet deep. He would lose things, especially his wallet. His grades dropped so much that he had to drop out of the magnet school and return to his normal high school. Eventually he lost one of his jobs also. I can't tell you how many times I looked in his room searching for some sign of drugs. (He tells me now that at that time he was not doing drugs)

Since that time Ace has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression. He is one of the many people who "self medicate". This means they find other ways to deaden the feelings they have boiling inside of them. (I will write more on this later) Ace has tried many of them and has made a lot of poor choices because of the alcohol and drug abuse. Some of the bad things that have happened were because of the choices of others he chose to associate with.

At this point Ace has separated himself from his friends and family who love him very much. I always wonder what to say to him. I am hurt and angry for the things he has done, but I love him because he is my son. My heart aches because he feels we have abandoned him and he can't see through his pain enough to know we are right here reaching out for him. I have a very strong faith in God, yet I too struggle sometimes wondering why I have been chosen to endure these challenges. Why have I been abandoned just when I need His loving hand the most and then it occurred to me...

Ace,
Moms are a lot like God... we have been here the whole time just waiting for you to decide to talk to us. In the meantime we wait ..... We wait knowing how much we love you because of all the good inside of you, in spite of your bad choices. We also want you to know we have never turned our back on you ... we are right here. I love you, Ace!