Ignorance is not bliss, Ignorance is not finding out the facts!!!

WARNING THIS IS NOT ONE OF MY FLOWERY POSTS....IT IS REAL LIFE!!!!
For two weeks my daughter, LadyJ who is 7, has been in the hospital. Not an ordinary hospital, a psychiatric hospital.She suffers from Bipolar, a form of autism and severe ADHD. I say suffer, because we suffer from other people's ignorance! I have lost very dear friends that I have had for many years because they do not agree with the diagnosis, or because they do not think she should be medicated, or because they think I should just parent her better.
I did not come up with these diagnosis on my own. Multiple doctors have met with us, I have given full medical, family and social histories to each of them. I would be thrilled if all I had to do was change my parenting style, that would be soooo simple!!! All of the doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists agree on all three disorders, they just don't agree on which one is the worst. All I know is I watch my little girl struggle day by day.

I can try to explain to you what she goes through, and you still would not fully understand it. You just have to live it and I would not wish it upon any one of you. I will still try. Imagine all of the emotion that you feel when you are deepest in love, that intense joy you feel. Now imagine the emotion that you feel when you have just been betrayed by that same love, that intense rage and anger. Now imagine that emotion that you feel when you have just lost that same love whether due to a breakup or death, that intense sorrow. In addition, imagine the emotion that you feel because your loved one is missing, that intense anxiety. THAT IS WHAT BIPOLAR DISORDER FEELS LIKE!!!

On the positive side, my daughter runs up to me when she sees me and throws her arms around me like she has not seen me in forever and screams "Mommy!!!" and plants kisses all over me...every single day!!! She has the deepest sense of compassion for those who may need her help or caring, and cries when I cry. On the other hand, it hurts her so much more when the kids at school start to tease her because she seems a little bit odd. It makes her angry when they don't play fair, or they don't follow the rules. It makes her angry when she feels she doesn't get her way. She lacks the ability to control those emotions completely and it frustrates her because she wants so much to please those around her. Bipolar disorder is a problem in the neurotransmitters in the brain, it is also genetic. I know how she feels because I also have Bipolar disorder, so does my sister and so does her 24 yr old brother.

Autism is a little different. I, like others, believe it was brought on after she received a round of immunizations, five to be exact at 11 months old. Her symptoms were typical at first, she would not make eye contact or talk, and she did some hand flapping. She also "read" the Las Vegas yellow pages one page at a time with her back to us and would get very angry if we interrupted her. She would also sing one line of a song over, and over, and over, and over, and over (you get the picture)and over again. (try this for 3 hours in a car!). This act of repeating words or phrases over and over again is called echolalia.

As far as ADHD, her brother had ADHD and we used to call him Woody Woodpecker (an old cartoon character)....well LadyJ is like Woody Woodpecker on speed!!!!

So, here is where the ignorance comes in.... I am a single mom dealing with all of this. It gets exhausting. When I tell people some of the things she does, I get comments like "all kids do that", or "maybe you just need to spank her butt!". I tried to call someone because I was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. LadyJ was having a particularly difficult time and I really needed someone to come help me, even if it was just someone to come sit with me for a few minutes so I would not feel so overwhelmed. This person told me, "I'm sorry, I can't think of anybody I can send over because of the possible liability issue...." I WAS SPEECHLESS!! I told her I needed to go and hung up!! Since then, LadyJ has been hospitalized, no one has sent cards or letters, I have not had anyone call to see if I am okay, and I have been taking the bus 2 hours each way to the hospital to see her each day because my car is broke.

If LadyJ had a brain tumor or had been in an accident, people would be swarming with compassion and sending cards and letters and asking to help. Because this is a mental illness, people still think she and I have cooties!!!! COME ON PEOPLE, SHE IS SEVEN YEARS OLD!!! She did not do anything to cause this, I did not cause this, we do not do drugs, we do not smoke or drink or do anything perverted. SHE IS SICK!!! IGNORANCE IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO STOP CARING!!!!!

Dance Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Bee

LadyJ started school a few weeks ago. I used to call my very dear friend the first day of every school year and wish her "Happy Mother's Day!" Forget that Sunday in May, where we work twice as hard and in my case, we receive our "annual sacrificial plant" at church. The day the kids go back to school after a long summer break is the true Mother's Day. Anyways, back to my title, I know the real phrase is "float like a butterfly" but #1 I don't want to be sued for using somebody else's quote, and #2 I wouldn't exactly call LadyJ's movements as "floating".

LadyJ has High Functioning Autism and Bipolar disorder and ADHD, so she has a hard time with social situations, especially teasing. The first week of school she had punched three boys, one of them twice!! At first I told her to remember she would get spanked if she hit anyone, then I realized DUH~! That just reinforces the behavior we are trying to eliminate. Then I tried the "no TV after school, and bed right after dinner if she hit anyone". Well that worked for a day...

Then....I told her she is a child of God, and He loves her and I love her. She also needs to remember that these kids that are teasing her are also children of God and sometimes they forget that. I told her that next time someone starts to tease her, she should tell them that she doesn't want to fight, she would rather be friends. That afternoon she came home and said, "I DID IT! I DID IT! I stayed in the GREEN!! (Good behavior all day!)" She said, "the boy was teasing me and I told him we shouldn't fight because I am a child of God and he is a child of God !". I said "That's wonderful!!!, What did he say to that?" LadyJ said the boy said "HUH?!?!?" and walked away.....she hasn't had a problem since.

Aren't kids great!!!!

Dancing Waters, Dancing Stars, Dancing Trees, Dancing in the Outhouse -Long

The weekend before school started MissJ and I had the opportunity to go camping with our very dear friends up in Pine Valley, UT. Now this was a whole new experience for MissJ, and an experience that I grew up with my entire life and missed doing a lot. Unfortunately our arrival was later than we anticipated and the first order of business was a visit to the bathroom a.k.a. the outhouse. I should explain that MissJ has intense anxiety issues as it is. So up the hill we go, flashlight in hand and the drama has already begun!! She has had a bad experience with a roadside outhouse in Lathrop Wells, NV (something about flies in summer and ICE COLD toilet seats in winter). I continue forward, despite her protests. We get in the outhouse and I put the huge bundle of keys on the shelf (not my keys), and let her go potty first. Then, I tell her to hold the flashlight for me. As I sit there watching her face, she starts to scream, SPIDER, SPIDER, SPIDER!! I jump up, reach for her, the flashlight, my pants, and start to laugh and comfort her all at the same time !!! The keys on the shelf, did indeed look like a great big spider. With one arm around her clutching the flashlight, I finally pull my pants the rest of the way up, and we exit the outhouse. I try very hard to keep her from running down the hill, since I can't catch her while I am laughing because I would just have to go back into the outhouse again.

Our campsite was beautiful, there was a beautiful stream running behind it, and there were beautiful stars overhead. Saturday morning we adults took one hike up the mountain to where the stream began. At some points the climb was a bit difficult, and there were obstacles, but we were able to overcome them. Once we got to the top, the stream was smaller and more peaceful. There were cedars fluttering in the breeze, and white butterflies dancing effortlessly upon delicate white flowers. There were no voices, no music, no noise, just the peace and beauty of nature.

Saturday night was an amazing dinner with family and friends around a campfire, and homemade peach cobbler and of course s'mores. While many of sat down for a card game, MissJ was getting anxious for bedtime. She finally decided she was more tired than she was scared, and had a wonderful peaceful sleep for the night.

Once everyone had retired for the evening, I had the campfire to myself. It gave me time to reflect. I enjoyed the sound of the stream dancing along the rocks, the gentle breeze as it made the top of the trees dance along with the stream. The stars were twinkling as if they had their own ballet, a single shooting star was the prima ballerina making her great leap across the great stage. And of course the embers danced slowly and tenderly with passion just waiting to be fueled once again to the burning desire held within. As I continued to enjoy the peacefulness of the evening, I realized how grateful I am for all I have. I am so grateful for the very special people who have come into my life and for their friendships and especially for the dances I have shared, and the dances I have yet to dance.

I Need To Dance!!!

I have been in counseling since December about a year after my divorce from Tony....then about 3 weeks after he died this last June, my counselor told me I needed to do something with my life, I needed to move on...
I was frustrated, and angry and as a parting comment I said, "I can't, I died a year and a half ago when we divorced!"
That comment has haunted me ever since.....I can't die!! Even though I was physically here, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally I was dying... and my daughter needed me!!
This is one of the reasons for starting the blog... I DO need to do something with my life. I Need to Dance!!!!

Spinning in the Sunshine

When was the last time you put your arms out and reached out as far as you could, tilted your head back, and just spun around in circles! Fast or slow, just let yourself go. It is a wonderful way to feel total joy and just as wonderful way to cast your troubles to the wind. Today was a reflective day. I heard the song by Josh Turner, "If Love Gives Me Another Try". At that precise moment, the only two clouds in the sky came together to form a heart. I still miss my sweetheart, but I am greatful for moments like these to remind me how special life really is.

No dancing today

Turning the music down...way down. I have a migraine today. Even the cats know I am not feeling my best. At nap time, MissJ was napping and both cats were asleep on my chest. Just over one week until school starts. I put in a request to keep MissJ at the school she was at last year, since it has a smaller campus and the staff already know her. I did get to talk to the principal in person, so hopefully that will help. I received a beautiful Dream catcher today as a gift. It is such a blessing to have wonderful friends.

A new journey

Blogging, huh? Well turn up the music and let's see if we can get this party started! This probably should be a slow dance at first until I get into the groove of things. I think MissJ will most likely get the hang of things before I will. Come join us and let's have some fun. Don't worry about stepping on toes here. I walk on the bottom, you might as well walk on the top!!