Saying Goodbye

In some ways Alzheimer's can be a blessing. Although everyday I curse the disease I am so grateful for the time I have with my dad because I know I am not ready to say goodbye. I feel as though I am saying goodbye one little piece at a time. As his memory has diminished, I have tried to gather and record as much as I possibly can so it will not be lost forever. My dad is so different now compared to the man I grew up with as a child. He was a Naval Officer, proud, stern and demanding. We grew up with statements such as, "What's the sense of doing something if you are not going to do it right?" and "If you want something, you gotta work for it!" Although I did many, many things with my dad, compliments were very hard to come by. I grew up believing my dad was perfect and infalable. Now he is childlike as my daughter takes him by the hand and leads him to where he needs to go. His eyes light up when he sees lady J and me when we go to see him at the nursing home and I am grateful each time that he still remembers us. Sometimes he visits with us and dances and sings with us. Other times he sleeps while we read to him or we just enjoy the comfort of being with each other. It is a comfort to know that he doesn't remember how painfully my mom died, yet he remembers her beauty and he remembers dancing with her. It is a comfort to know that he doesn't remember all the petty fights we had when I was growing up, especially as a stupid teenager. It is a comfort to know that he only knows my sister in a loving manner after years of animosity. Yes, everyday I grieve a little more as my dad slips away, but everyday there is a little more acceptance. For now, I cherish every moment in time with him as if it may be the last. I love him so very much.

The Battle Raging Within

I'm struggling right now, like a lot of people do around the holidays. For me it's always guilt because I feel I should have decorated more, or given more gifts, or visited more people, or done more service. You get the picture. It's sadness from not hearing from family members, especially my children, because I feel it is a reflection of my life with them and my failure as a mother.

I am in physical pain with my back and hip and I feel agitated and on edge. Add this to my own daughter's mania and you have the perfect formula for conflict. Today she was demanding to take 12 stuffed animals to the dentist and we were already running late, after a heated discussion, we finally compromised and she took two. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and hug my daughter and say "Good Morning!" and send her to bed each night and say, "I Love You, sweet dreams!"

People tell me I am wonderful for taking care of my dad and my daughter and I just feel horrible because I don't feel like I am doing a good enough job at it. I feel like I am going through the motions in survival mode most of the time. I love them so much and I feel like they deserve someone who is tender and gentle and never gets frustrated and angry.

I miss my mom more than you can ever imagine but I feel cheated. I was looking forward to doing so many things with her when I moved out here, and now she is gone. Instead she left me with all this to attend to. It's not fair!

I feel like a golf ball..ever peel one of those things? Underneath that hard shell is a rubber ball with lots and lots of tiny elastic bands and once the shell is peeled away those elastic bands explode and the whole thing comes unraveled.