The Battle Raging Within

I'm struggling right now, like a lot of people do around the holidays. For me it's always guilt because I feel I should have decorated more, or given more gifts, or visited more people, or done more service. You get the picture. It's sadness from not hearing from family members, especially my children, because I feel it is a reflection of my life with them and my failure as a mother.

I am in physical pain with my back and hip and I feel agitated and on edge. Add this to my own daughter's mania and you have the perfect formula for conflict. Today she was demanding to take 12 stuffed animals to the dentist and we were already running late, after a heated discussion, we finally compromised and she took two. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and hug my daughter and say "Good Morning!" and send her to bed each night and say, "I Love You, sweet dreams!"

People tell me I am wonderful for taking care of my dad and my daughter and I just feel horrible because I don't feel like I am doing a good enough job at it. I feel like I am going through the motions in survival mode most of the time. I love them so much and I feel like they deserve someone who is tender and gentle and never gets frustrated and angry.

I miss my mom more than you can ever imagine but I feel cheated. I was looking forward to doing so many things with her when I moved out here, and now she is gone. Instead she left me with all this to attend to. It's not fair!

I feel like a golf ball..ever peel one of those things? Underneath that hard shell is a rubber ball with lots and lots of tiny elastic bands and once the shell is peeled away those elastic bands explode and the whole thing comes unraveled.