What Bipolar Feels Like

This is part of my original post dated March 20, 2009 from when I had to have my 7yr old admitted into a psychiatric hospital to have her medications adjusted. I felt it was worth repeating;

Imagine all of the emotion that you feel when you are deepest in love, that intense joy you feel. Now imagine the emotion that you feel when you have just been betrayed by that same love, that intense rage and anger. Now imagine that emotion that you feel when you have just lost that same love whether due to a breakup or death, that intense sorrow. In addition, imagine the emotion that you feel because your loved one is missing, that intense anxiety. THAT IS WHAT BIPOLAR DISORDER FEELS LIKE!!!

Halloween and Social Graces

I love Halloween!! Besides the cool fall weather and the beautiful shades of reds, yellows and oranges that present themselves so wonderfully on the trees, I love the magic of Halloween. I love the excitement of finding out what my daughter, LadyJ is going to dress up as each year in her costume. LadyJ never picks a standard costume like a princess, or a witch, or a fairy, or a cat or ghost.  If you look at last year's Halloween post you will see that she was a "dancing princess cat". This year she was a "Waitress Girl", which interpreted, meant a poodle skirt (with a cat instead of a poodle), and her carrying a tray of food. For trick-or-treating I talked her into carrying a purse instead.

My favorite part of Halloween is it's the perfect time to practice social graces.  What a better time to teach your kids the art of courtesy, respect and most of all grattitude.  Perhaps many of you have seen the same thing I have.  The doorbell rings and a bunch of costume clad munchkins stand there with a look of expectancy while you toss your coveted treats into their outstretched bag.  Then in a flash they are gone. Thankfully this doesn't happen too often.  This is my reason for coaching LadyJ while we are trick-or-treating. Because of her challenges, social situations are awkward for her anyway.

As we approached the first door I asked her what she was going to say... she says "Thank you". I said, "That's good, but how about trick-or-treat, then say thank you afterwards"  She runs up to the front door, says "Trick-or-treat", gets her goodies and says "Thank You " as she is running back to the car.

A couple doors later, I said "It might mean more if you say "Thank You" to their faces. LadyJ looked at me for a moment to process this and she said "Yeah, you might be right" So she went to the next door and got her treats.  When she got to the car she asked "Mom, why do they keep trying to scare me?" I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "They keep telling me to be careful!" I had to stifle my giggles a bit as I explained to her that people were not trying to scare her, it was a way of telling her they care, like when I tell people to drive safely when they come to visit us.

At the next house the occupant jumped out with a mask on in an attempt to scare her. LadyJ just stood there and looked at him and waited for him to give her the treat she came for, said "Thank You", turned and walked back to the car.  Once in the car, she said "Mom, that guy tried to scare the crap out of me!"  Somehow I don't think those guys got the reaction they thought they would...haha on them!

There were other things taught, like don't walk on the grass because you wouldn't want someone to mess up your yard, you only take one and "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit". But my favorite lesson of all was to enjoy the magic of the evening. Enjoy the moment, the joy, the laughter and the bond. Don't worry about what could happen tomorrow or the next day or even the next hour.  Yes, Halloween is a wonderful time to teach the social graces such as courtesy, respect and grattitude. It was an honor to spend such a wonderful night with my incrediblly, unique daughter and I am so grateful that I have this time to spend with her.

Moms and God

I have a 26 yr old son who is also bipolar. His symptoms showed up when he was a teenager, but I was unaware of this possible diagnosis. He was the most easy going kid always full of smiles, always the peacemaker, could always make you laugh and was full of hopes and dreams. He was going to conquer the world.

"Ace" had great friends, was in ROTC, was in the student body presidency, and was accepted in a magnet program in aeronautics. One of his dreams was to become a pilot in the Air Force and to eventually become a smoke jumper because he always wanted to be a firefighter.

During my pregnancy with LadyJ, Ace worked two jobs and always had money. His friends found they could always borrow money from him. We used to laugh, saying he could always start a business as a loan shark. He bought an older truck and started to restore it. In addition to all this, Ace was quite an accomplished drummer. Slowly changes started to occur in Ace.

There were periods where he had boundless energy and would clean the house, organize his room, buy dinner for everyone, fix the car, work on his truck, and friends would come and go mostly to play music with him.

Then there were the periods where he would hardly come out of his room and the clutter in there was one to two feet deep. He would lose things, especially his wallet. His grades dropped so much that he had to drop out of the magnet school and return to his normal high school. Eventually he lost one of his jobs also. I can't tell you how many times I looked in his room searching for some sign of drugs. (He tells me now that at that time he was not doing drugs)

Since that time Ace has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression. He is one of the many people who "self medicate". This means they find other ways to deaden the feelings they have boiling inside of them. (I will write more on this later) Ace has tried many of them and has made a lot of poor choices because of the alcohol and drug abuse. Some of the bad things that have happened were because of the choices of others he chose to associate with.

At this point Ace has separated himself from his friends and family who love him very much. I always wonder what to say to him. I am hurt and angry for the things he has done, but I love him because he is my son. My heart aches because he feels we have abandoned him and he can't see through his pain enough to know we are right here reaching out for him. I have a very strong faith in God, yet I too struggle sometimes wondering why I have been chosen to endure these challenges. Why have I been abandoned just when I need His loving hand the most and then it occurred to me...

Ace,
Moms are a lot like God... we have been here the whole time just waiting for you to decide to talk to us. In the meantime we wait ..... We wait knowing how much we love you because of all the good inside of you, in spite of your bad choices. We also want you to know we have never turned our back on you ... we are right here. I love you, Ace!

Perspective

A couple years ago I had the privilege to listen to a good friend of mine give a speech on perspective. Now when I feel like things are spiraling down and I am going into a depression I just think of the word perspective and realize;

1. Things could be worse.
2. I have been through much worse.
4. Other people have been through worse.
5. Later on this may not look so bad.
6. I will get through this, don't give up.
7. There may be a different way to look at things.

Last week I was really missing my mom. My heart ached as I yearned for her companionship. I also felt guilt as it has become necessary for me to assume some of her responsibilities.

The other day my dad received some paperwork from his Navy retirement stating that he needed to list his beneficiaries. He sat in his chair and read the paper over and over again, obviously bothered by the words he saw there. Finally he spoke up and asked me, "What happened to my wife? I don't think I divorced her."

I turned to him and gently said, "Dad, Mom died." I could tell part of him was relieved and part of him very disturbed. He knew that he had loved his sweetheart for 50 years. After a brief moment he asked, "How long ago did she pass away?" "June 29th", I told him.

From across the room I could see him wipe the tears from his eyes as I tried to offer my words of comfort. At that moment I became aware of how difficult it must have been for him to realize he had forgotten my mom's passing and it put my own grieving into perspective.

Missing Mom

Today is just one of those days where I have just really missed my mom. So many times something will happen and I think, "I can't wait to call mom and tell her that!" and remember I can't do that anymore. I lived in Las Vegas, NV for over 25 years and at the beginning of this year I felt impressed to move here to Georgia to be closer to my parents. The planned move was to be in July mostly because it would be the best break for Lady J and school.

In April my dad went to a town close by to get gas cap. It took 12 hours to find him. Shortly after that my parents went up to their time share in Northern Georgia and my mom called and said my dad was severely disoriented. I could also tell that my mom had been drinking.

Usually when my dad is having these problems so abruptly it means he has a urinary tract infection. He had bladder cancer in 1997 and although he had a successful bladder reconstruction and is in complete remission, he is in stage 3 kidney failure. I urged my mom to return home and have dad go into the hospital.

A couple of days later my mom went into the hospital herself. This created a sense of urgency for my move. On May 19th my daughter and I and the cat boarded a plane and flew here to Georgia while my best friend and my church packed up my house and shipped my belongings here.

One month later my mom passed away. Her stomach had been hurting so she had been taking Tylenol. Unfortunately the Tylenol built up in her liver to toxic levels and because her liver was so damaged her poor worn out body finally gave up.

My mom was more than a mother, she was also my best friend. I remember once as a teenager opening up her closet and realizing she had very few clothes, yet my sister and I always had new dresses for school each year, prom dresses, choir dresses, orchestra dresses, new pajamas each Christmas all hand made and other brand new school clothes we needed. It was my mom who taught me to sew and to cook and who gave me my first start in business when I would inventory the fabric store she worked in.

I always remember our home being neat and clean, but most of all I remember her laughter. My dad was a military man to the core and he was strict, but my mom was there to soften things. Her warm smile could make any day better and a joke could turn any bitter moment into joy. Oh, she was far from perfect! I learned right away if I missed the bus for school, NEVER wake her up for a ride!! It was safer to ride my bike the five miles to school!

I have moved into my parents home in order to take care of my dad, so everything around me reminds me of her. She decorated this home so beautifully and I feel guilty for having my belongings all over the place in spite of the necessity of it all. I am amazed at how much I am like her, yet I am painfully aware at how much I will never be as talented as she was. My heart aches for more time to tell her how much I love her and that I understand now the great challenges she was facing in her life. I pray that she left this earth knowing how much I loved her.

Fly Fishing and Bubble Gum in Wal-Mart

I went to Wal-Mart with my dad(who has alzheimer's) and my daughter(who has aspergers and bipolar) today. Mind you this is no easy task, ever! It is like going with two 2 year olds, except one is 8 and one is 72. As soon as we enter the store they argue over who is going to push the cart. I try to appease my daughter and tell her she and i can hold hands while Grandpa pushes the cart. She tells me that he doesn't push the cart as well as she does. I tell her that it is not polite to say something like that and our journey begins as I direct them both to sporting goods.

I have promised my daughter bubble gum if we can get through the store without a temper tantrum. To some this may seem a bribe, but given the challenges she has had lately, I feel this is quite the reward. Wal-Mart is a huge challenge for her on any day. There is so much stimulation, with all of the lights, and colors and smells, and the noise from the people. The noise from all of the people and the intercom and the carts is the worst thing of all. For her, the noise is quite painful and on some trips I have brought earplugs, however I need to find a pair that actually stay in her ears so I don't have to stop every 10 feet to replace them.

Once in sporting goods I am trying to find tennis balls but my dad has found the fishing rods. Quickly he has been swept away to a time in our lives when he and I used to fish all the time. I mention to him that I never did learn to fly fish. I only fished by casting and watching the bobber. That of course sets him on a quest to find a fly fishing rod. I regret my comment and I am grateful that none of the rods there are fly fishing rods. I tell him that he might have to go to a bigger sporting goods store. In the meantime, my daughter has spotted at least four fishing poles, the live worms, the rubber worms, and a life vest and totally irritated my dad at least twice. Finally I find the tennis balls and move on to my next quest, shoelaces for said little girl.

The trek across Wal-Mart seems to take longer than the pioneers did across the country. My dad is tired because it is near the end of the day, and of course the toy department is between sporting goods and the shoe department. I know I had to tell my daughter to "Come On!" at every single aisle, and that of course irritated my dad some more. Just once I would like to get through Wal-Mart without my daughter thinking her last name is Da**it (Lady J Da**it, Come On!!!) (Lady J, Da**it, Get Over here !) I owe the quarter jar a lot when I get out of Wal-Mart!!

After what seems forever and a long decisive process and a desperate pleading from me to "Please just pick one!", we get the shoelaces and head to the checkout. I hate the checkout line!! This is where the battle Royale begins. My dad and my daughter usually fight over who is going to unload the grocery cart, while I try to keep both of them happy and everyone looks at us like we are all nuts!! I help my dad pay for the groceries and help my daughter pay for her gum. On the way home I relish the silence as my daughter chews her gum and my dad falls asleep knowing we got through one more trip through Wal-mart. WOW!! I didn't even have to say Da**it this time!!

Mom & Dad 1959

50th Marriage Anniversary -Ups and Downs

My parents got married in Idaho Falls, ID. They decided to take their honeymoon in Salt Lake City, UT via a small plane piloted by my dad who was an electrician in the Navy at the time. When it came time for them to return home to Idaho Falls, two snow storms converged upon them and they were forced to land on the highway in McCammon, Idaho.

As the newspaper article stated, "The sheriff came meet them and, lights flashing, escorted the taxiing plane to his own front lawn. There the plane parked until the storm passed. Then the Idaho State Patrol and the Sheriff escorted the plane, with its honeymooning Hales, to the highway, which they kept clear for takeoff for Idaho Falls."

They have a framed copy of the newspaper article in their home now. The headline read..."This Marriage Already Has Ups and Downs" Isn't that what long lasting marriage is really about? Isn't it about weathering the storms of life? Let's face it, marriage is not easy. My parents taught me a lot about balance. My dad taught me so much about the value of work and integrity and about doing the best at everything you do. My mother taught me the value of compassion and service and especially about the value of laughter. I think laughter is what got us through a lot of things. We used to have a saying....I will always love you...I may not like you all of the time, but I will always love you!!

My parents have had their challenges including death of loved ones, deployments, financial challenges, job losses, teenagers and health challenges. You name it, they have probably been through it.

My dad retired from the US Navy in about 1974 and is a very accomplished artist with some of his prints being published by Ducks Unlimited. He retired most recently from Stone & Webster. My mom did a wonderful job raising my sister and I and is an incredible seamstress and very accomplished sales and merchandising. Both of my parents are excellent ballroom dancers with multiple medals and trophies.

In this world of "throw away" relationships, this is what marriage is truly about. It is about weathering the storms and about sticking it out through the ups and downs of marriage. It is about not giving up because there is a torrential rain or a flood of bad luck now and then. Sometimes it is about finding a place to land and waiting for the storm to pass, so you can continue on in your journey. That is how my parents got through their 50 year journey.

Dancing en Pointe - Strengthening our Hearts, Bodies & Souls

Some girls during their younger years take ballet lessons. During that time, it seems like every lesson is the same thing, day after day....and to some it may seem repetitious and even boring. Some aspire to become ballerinas, perhaps to become the ultimate prima ballerina. To do this a girl practices to dance en pointe, or upon her toes. To dance en pointe a ballerina must have balance and use the entire body for support. A ballerina seems to dance across the stage with delicate grace and beauty, seeming to float effortlessly like a butterfly lightly touching her toes upon the surface. Truth be told, this is only accomplished after years of pain and suffering. Underneath the beautifully laced slipper reveals feet that are scarred, bruised and calloused.

When my daughter was diagnosed with her disabilities, many people would tell me that Heavenly Father sent her to me because He knew I would be the best mother for her. Now, when I envisioned these "Special" mothers, I pictured women with the patience of saints who never raised their voices. I also pictured these women to be calm, always cheerful, heads held high and their feet lightly touching the ground as they effortlessly guided these angels from God through life.

Fortunately, someone sent me the following article by one of my favorite authors, Erma Bombeck.....

The Special Mother

by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.

This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."

"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'". She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".

"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

I have since learned that these other special mothers are also dancing en pointe and getting stronger with each step. Some days it is the same thing day in and day out. Some days we go to bed feeling bruised and blistered and a bit calloused.. Each day strengthens us, we are made stronger from the inside out as we reach out to have support and balance. As you unlace our hearts you will find a love that lifts us across the stage of life just as we feel the curtain might come down upon us. My slippers are worn, tattered and the laces are all but gone but my joy is full as I look upon my children.

Ignorance is not bliss, Ignorance is not finding out the facts!!!

WARNING THIS IS NOT ONE OF MY FLOWERY POSTS....IT IS REAL LIFE!!!!
For two weeks my daughter, LadyJ who is 7, has been in the hospital. Not an ordinary hospital, a psychiatric hospital.She suffers from Bipolar, a form of autism and severe ADHD. I say suffer, because we suffer from other people's ignorance! I have lost very dear friends that I have had for many years because they do not agree with the diagnosis, or because they do not think she should be medicated, or because they think I should just parent her better.
I did not come up with these diagnosis on my own. Multiple doctors have met with us, I have given full medical, family and social histories to each of them. I would be thrilled if all I had to do was change my parenting style, that would be soooo simple!!! All of the doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists agree on all three disorders, they just don't agree on which one is the worst. All I know is I watch my little girl struggle day by day.

I can try to explain to you what she goes through, and you still would not fully understand it. You just have to live it and I would not wish it upon any one of you. I will still try. Imagine all of the emotion that you feel when you are deepest in love, that intense joy you feel. Now imagine the emotion that you feel when you have just been betrayed by that same love, that intense rage and anger. Now imagine that emotion that you feel when you have just lost that same love whether due to a breakup or death, that intense sorrow. In addition, imagine the emotion that you feel because your loved one is missing, that intense anxiety. THAT IS WHAT BIPOLAR DISORDER FEELS LIKE!!!

On the positive side, my daughter runs up to me when she sees me and throws her arms around me like she has not seen me in forever and screams "Mommy!!!" and plants kisses all over me...every single day!!! She has the deepest sense of compassion for those who may need her help or caring, and cries when I cry. On the other hand, it hurts her so much more when the kids at school start to tease her because she seems a little bit odd. It makes her angry when they don't play fair, or they don't follow the rules. It makes her angry when she feels she doesn't get her way. She lacks the ability to control those emotions completely and it frustrates her because she wants so much to please those around her. Bipolar disorder is a problem in the neurotransmitters in the brain, it is also genetic. I know how she feels because I also have Bipolar disorder, so does my sister and so does her 24 yr old brother.

Autism is a little different. I, like others, believe it was brought on after she received a round of immunizations, five to be exact at 11 months old. Her symptoms were typical at first, she would not make eye contact or talk, and she did some hand flapping. She also "read" the Las Vegas yellow pages one page at a time with her back to us and would get very angry if we interrupted her. She would also sing one line of a song over, and over, and over, and over, and over (you get the picture)and over again. (try this for 3 hours in a car!). This act of repeating words or phrases over and over again is called echolalia.

As far as ADHD, her brother had ADHD and we used to call him Woody Woodpecker (an old cartoon character)....well LadyJ is like Woody Woodpecker on speed!!!!

So, here is where the ignorance comes in.... I am a single mom dealing with all of this. It gets exhausting. When I tell people some of the things she does, I get comments like "all kids do that", or "maybe you just need to spank her butt!". I tried to call someone because I was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. LadyJ was having a particularly difficult time and I really needed someone to come help me, even if it was just someone to come sit with me for a few minutes so I would not feel so overwhelmed. This person told me, "I'm sorry, I can't think of anybody I can send over because of the possible liability issue...." I WAS SPEECHLESS!! I told her I needed to go and hung up!! Since then, LadyJ has been hospitalized, no one has sent cards or letters, I have not had anyone call to see if I am okay, and I have been taking the bus 2 hours each way to the hospital to see her each day because my car is broke.

If LadyJ had a brain tumor or had been in an accident, people would be swarming with compassion and sending cards and letters and asking to help. Because this is a mental illness, people still think she and I have cooties!!!! COME ON PEOPLE, SHE IS SEVEN YEARS OLD!!! She did not do anything to cause this, I did not cause this, we do not do drugs, we do not smoke or drink or do anything perverted. SHE IS SICK!!! IGNORANCE IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO STOP CARING!!!!!